I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
