Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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