I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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