I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
