Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
