I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Randomize
