I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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