And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
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i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
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I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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