I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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