before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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