and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
