i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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