i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You smell like a Billy Joel song
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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