i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
