I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
