I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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