i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I need to align my fucking chakras
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
