Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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