Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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