I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
