Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It was like giving head to a cactus.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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