I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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