whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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