did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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