i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
