if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Bring me that man meat
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
