"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
