I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
