I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
