I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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