I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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