my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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