my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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