If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
