You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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