I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
