I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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