I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
