omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
