my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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