i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
