Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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