why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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