It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am naked and annoyed.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
