Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
