I think I won the penis lottery.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
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Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
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You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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