i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
