Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
