Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
