Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
