I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize