On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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