I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
