But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
