The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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